Below is a letter received from twin authors, Julia DeVillers and Jennifer Roy. They recently published a book, “Trading Faces” about identical twins for readers ages 8 – 13.
Hello, C.C. Parents of Multiples:
We are identical twin authors who have teamed up to write the “Trading Faces” book series. It’s the first book about twins by twins. The book’s characters, Payton and Emma, deal with many of the problems twins face – whether identical or fraternal, girls or boys or boy/girl pairs. The questions of identity, comparisons, and the benefits and pitfalls of being multiples are best understood by family members and the kids themselves.
Who am I apart from my “other half”?
Julia and I did not plan to both be authors! I (Jen) got a Masters in Elementary Education and was a teacher. Julia was thinking about journalism; then went into publishing with her graduate degree.
Prior to that, we went to the same college – different dorms, pledged different sororities and always different boyfriends! So, we stayed close … but not too close.
And that was the best thing for us growing up. By trial and error, my parents discovered that having both of us in the same preschool class did not allow one of us enough independence, due to the other one’s clinginess/ unwillingness to play with others. (Okay, that was me. Apparently I used Julia as a safety net.)
So for Kindergarten through elementary school, we were split up. This worked usually only for one of us – the one with the better teacher. The rare years we were both happy with our teachers, we both had great years. So for us, the classroom environment determined whether we should have been separated. It would have worked well for both of us to have the “great” teacher.
It may be a year-to-year decision whether to separate multiples. They may thrive together, or it may be obvious that there is too much competition academically and socially. Finally, ask your twins! Their opinions may be worthwhile.
As adults, Julia and I have very little “twin envy.” We cheer on each other’s successes and support each other 100%. We talk long-distance every day and are each other’s best friends. Her children are vitally important to me, and she feels equally about my son.
Julia and I weren’t always so close. From age 3 – 6 we were at each other’s throats. Then, we grew into a truce and – after school – played together often. We did have our own friends and play dates where one of us would visit a friend, while the other twin had a friend over. We also were involved in different activities.
Different activities, more than anything, made us feel like individuals. I had talents in one area, Julia had enthusiasm in another. So we took separate lessons. Even if your children like the same sport or hobby, try to add on one that is just his/her own.
Our parents made us feel like a team. Please encourage your kids to vent and complain about being a twin. When people asked us, “What’s it like being a twins?”, we would respond: “We don’t know. We’ve never not been twins.” So allowing them to be open about their mixed feelings is helpful. But try to end on a positive note. Even if they “hate” each other, you can lighten up the mood by playing games together or “forcing” them to compliment the other. Instead of comparisons and envy, make it clear that each is unique and ultimately on the same team.
In our book, Payton and Emma go through the cycle of breaking free of each other, needing each other, and trying to become their own “selves”… while loving someone who looks exactly like them! In the back of the book we have the “Top Ten List of Stupid Twin Things People Say.” Most multiples have heard many of them and will hopefully take away from our series that they are not “alone” (figuratively) in dealing with twin stuff.
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