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Friday, January 27, 2012

Why A Teen Who Talks Back May Have A Bright Future



If you're the parent of a teenager, you likely find yourself routinely embroiled in disputes with your child. Those disputes are the symbol of teen developmental separation from parents.
It's a vital part of growing up, but it can be extraordinarily wearing on parents. Now researchers suggest that those spats can be tamed and, in the process, provide a lifelong benefit to children.
Researchers from the University of Virginia recently published their findings in the journal Child Development. Psychologist Joseph P. Allen headed the study.
Allen says almost all parents and teenagers argue. But it's the quality of the arguments that makes all the difference.
"We tell parents to think of those arguments not as nuisance but as a critical training ground," he says. Such arguments, he says, are actually mini life lessons in how to disagree — a necessary skill later on in life with partners, friends and colleagues on the job.
Teens should be rewarded when arguing calmly and persuasively and not when they indulge in yelling, whining, threats or insults, he says.
In Allen's study, 157 13-year-olds were videotaped describing their biggest disagreement with their parents. The most common arguments were over grades, chores, money and friends. The tape was then played for both parent and teen.
"Parents reacted in a whole variety of ways. Some of them laughed uncomfortably; some rolled their eyes; and a number of them dove right in and said, 'OK, let's talk about this,'" he says.
It was the parents who said wanted to talk who were on the right track, says Allen. "We found that what a teen learned in handling these kinds of disagreements with their parents was exactly what they took into their peer world," with all its pressures to conform to risky behavior like drugs and alcohol.
Allen interviewed the teens again at ages 15 and 16. "The teens who learned to be calm and confident and persuasive with their parents acted the same way when they were with their peers," he says. They were able to confidently disagree, saying 'no' when offered alcohol or drugs. In fact, they were 40 percent more likely to say 'no' than kids who didn't argue with their parents.
For other kids, it was an entirely different story. "They would back down right away," says Allen, saying they felt it pointless to argue with their parents. This kind of passivity was taken directly into peer groups, where these teens were more likely to acquiesce when offered drugs or alcohol. "These were the teens we worried about," he says.
Bottom line: Effective arguing acted as something of an inoculation against negative peer pressure. Kids who felt confident to express themselves to their parents also felt confident being honest with their friends.
So, ironically the best thing parents can do is help their teenager argue more effectively. For this, Allen offers one word: listen.
In the study, when parents listened to their kids, their kids listened back. They didn't necessarily always agree, he says. But if one or the other made a good point, they would acknowledge that point. "They weren't just trying to fight each other at every step and wear each other down. They were really trying to persuade the other person."
Acceptable argument might go something like this: 'How about if my curfew's a half hour later but I agree that I'll text you or I'll agree that I'll stay in certain places and you'll know where I'll be; or how about I prove to you I can handle it for three weeks before we make a final decision about it."
Again, parents won't necessarily agree. But "they'll get across the message that they take their kids point of view seriously and honestly consider what they have to say," Allen says.
Child psychologist Richard Weissbourd says the findings bolster earlier research that finds that "parents who really respect their kids' thinking and their kids' input are much more likely to have kids who end up being independent thinkers and who are able to resist peer groups."
Weissbourd points to one dramatic study that analyzed parental relationships of Dutch citizens who ended up protecting Jews during World War II. They were parents who encouraged independent thinking, even if it differed from their own.
So the next time your teenager huffs and puffs and starts to argue, you might just step back for a minute, take a breath yourself, and try to listen. It may be one of the best lessons you teach your child.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Ten ways to build your child's self-esteem


***Content source: http://www.babycenter.com/0_ten-ways-to-build-your-childs-self-esteem_67755.bc?scid=mbtw_post5y_1m:1152&pe=MlRLenB4NXwyMDEyMDEwOQ..

Give unconditional love.
A child's self-esteem flourishes with the kind of no-strings-attached devotion that says, "I love you, no matter who you are or what you do." Your child benefits the most when you accept him for who he is regardless of his strengths, difficulties, temperament, or abilities. So, lavish him with love. Give him plenty of cuddles, kisses, and pats on the shoulder. And don't forget to tell him how much you love him. When you do have to correct your child, make it clear that it's his behavior — not him — that's unacceptable. For instance, instead of saying, "You're a naughty boy! Why can't you be good?" say, "Please don't throw the football in the house. A football is an outside toy."
Pay attention.
Carve out time to give your child your undivided attention. That does wonders for your child's feelings of self-worth because it sends the message that you think he's important and valuable. It doesn't have to take a lot of time; it just means taking a moment to stop flicking through the mail if he's trying to talk with you or turning off the TV long enough to answer a question. Make eye contact so it's clear that you're really listening to what he's saying. When you're strapped for time, let your child know it without ignoring his needs. Say, "Tell me all about what happened at soccer practice, and then when you're finished, I'll need to make our dinner."
Teach limits.
Establish a few reasonable rules for your child. For instance, if you tell him to wear his helmet when he rides his bike in the driveway, don't let him go without it at his friend's house. Knowing that certain family rules are set in stone will help him feel more secure. He'll start to live by your expectations soon enough. Just be clear and consistent and show him that you trust him and expect him to do the right thing.
Support healthy risks.
Encourage your child to explore something new, such as trying a different food, making a new friend, or riding a skateboard. Though there's always the possibility of failure, without risk there's little opportunity for success. So let your child safely experiment, and resist the urge to intervene. For instance, try not to "rescue" him the minute he's showing mild frustration at figuring out how to read a tricky word. Jumping in to say, "I'll do it" can foster dependence and diminish your child's confidence. You'll build his self-esteem by balancing your need to protect him with his need to tackle new tasks.
Let mistakes happen.
The flip side, of course, of having choices and taking risks is that sometimes your child is bound to make mistakes. These are valuable lessons for your child's confidence. So if your child misses the school bus because he was dawdling in his bedroom, encourage him to think about what he might do differently next time. That way his self-esteem won't sag and he'll understand that it's okay to make mistakes sometimes. When you goof up yourself, admit it, says Daniel Meier, assistant professor of elementary education at San Francisco State University. Acknowledging and recovering from your mistakes sends a powerful message to your child — it makes it easier for your child to accept his own difficulties.
Celebrate the positive.
Everyone responds well to encouragement, so make an effort to acknowledge the good things your child does every day within his earshot. For instance, tell his dad, "Peter did all his chores today without prompting." He'll get to bask in the glow of your praise and his dad's heartening response. And be specific. Instead of saying "Good job," say, "Thank you for setting the table for dinner." This will enhance his sense of accomplishment and self-worth and let him know exactly what he did right.
Listen well.
If your child needs to talk, stop and listen to what he has to say. He needs to know that his thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions matter. Help him get comfortable with his emotions by labeling them. Say, "I understand you're sad because you can't go to the sleepover." By accepting his emotions without judgment, you validate his feelings and show that you value what he has to say. If you share your own feelings ("I'm worried about Grandma. She's very sick"), he'll gain confidence in expressing his own.
Resist comparisons.
Comments such as "Why can't you be more like your brother?" or "Why can't you be nice like Evan?" will just remind your child of where he struggles in a way that fosters shame, envy, and competition. Even positive comparisons, such as "You're the best player" are potentially damaging because a child can find it hard to live up to this image. If you let your child know that you appreciate him for the unique individual he is, he'll be more likely to value himself too.
Offer empathy.
If your child compares himself unfavorably to his siblings or peers ("Why can't I throw a football like Nicholas?"), show him empathy and then emphasize one of his strengths. For instance, say, "You're right. Nicholas is good at throwing a football. And you're a fast runner." This can help your child learn that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and that he doesn't have to be perfect to feel good about himself.
Provide encouragement.
Every child needs the kind of support from loved ones that signals, "I believe in you. I see your effort. Keep going!" Encouragement means acknowledging progress — not just rewarding achievement. So if your child is struggling with a math problem, say: "You're trying very hard and you almost have it!" instead of "Not like that. Let me do it."

Monday, January 16, 2012

What to teach your kids about strangers


***Content source: http://www.ncpc.org/topics/violent-crime-and-personal-safety/strangers
Who is a stranger?
A stranger is anyone that your family doesn’t know well. It’s common for children to think that “bad strangers” look scary, like the villains in cartoons. This is not only not true, but it’s dangerous for children to think this way. Pretty strangers can be just as dangerous as the not-so-pretty ones. When you talk to your children about strangers, explain that no one can tell if strangers are nice or not nice just by looking at them and that they should be careful around all strangers.
But don't make it seem like all strangers are bad. If children need help--whether they’re lost, being threatened by a bully, or being followed by a stranger--the safest thing for them to do in many cases is to ask a stranger for help. You can make this easier for them by showing them which strangers are okay to trust.
Who are safe strangers?
Safe strangers are people children can ask for help when they need it. Police officers and firefighters are two examples of very recognizable safe strangers. Teachers, principals, and librarians are adults children can trust too, and they are easy to recognize when they’re at work. But make sure that you emphasize that whenever possible, children should go to a public place to ask for help.
You can help your children recognize safe strangers by pointing them out when you’re out in your town. Also show your children places they can go if they need help, such as local stores and restaurants and the homes of family friends in your neighborhood.
Recognizing and Handling Dangerous Situations
Perhaps the most important way parents can protect their children is to teach them to be wary of potentially dangerous situations – this will help them when dealing with strangers as well as with known adults who may not have good intentions. Help children recognize the warning signs of suspicious behavior, such as when an adult asks them to disobey their parents or do something without permission, asks them to keep a secret, asks children for help, or makes them feel uncomfortable in any way. Also tell your children that an adult should never ask a child for help, and if one does ask for their help, teach them to find a trusted adult right away to tell what happened.
You should also talk to your children about how they should handle dangerous situations. One ways is to teach them “No, Go, Yell, Tell.” If in a dangerous situations, kids should say no, run away, yell as loud as they can, and tell a trusted adult what happened right away. Make sure that your children know that it is okay to say no to an adult in a dangerous situation and to yell to keep themselves safe, even if they are indoors. It’s good to practice this in different situations so that your children will feel confident in knowing know what to do. Here are a few possible scenarios:
  • A nice-looking stranger approaches your child in the park and asks for help finding the stranger's lost dog.
  • A woman who lives in your neighborhood but that the child has never spoken to invites your child into her house for a snack.
  • A stranger asks if your child wants a ride home from school.
  • Your child thinks he or she is being followed.
  • An adult your child knows says or does something that makes him or her feel bad or uncomfortable.
  • While your child is walking home from a friend’s house, a car pulls over and a stranger asks for directions.

What Else Parents Can Do
In addition to teaching children how to recognize and handle dangerous situations and strangers, there are a few more things parents can do to help their children stay safe and avoid dangerous situations.
  • Know where your children are at all times. 
  • Make it a rule that your children must ask permission or check in with you before going anywhere. 
  • Give your children your work and cell phone numbers so they can reach you at all times.
  • Point out safe places. Show your children safe places to play, safe roads and paths to take, and safe places to go if there’s trouble.
  • Teach children to trust their instincts. Explain that if they ever feel scared or uncomfortable, they should get away as fast as they can and tell an adult. Tell them that sometimes adults they know may make them feel uncomfortable, and they should still get away as fast as possible and tell another adult what happened. Reassure children that you will help them when they need it.
  • Teach your children to be assertive. Make sure they know that it’s okay to say no to an adult and to run away from adults in dangerous situations.
  • Encourage your children to play with others. There’s safety in numbers!
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Teach your children about stranger danger – by age group

Preschool
Preschool children normally have no fear, they are willing to say hello or talk to almost any adult they see. Although you don’t want to scare your younger children with the truth of abductions, you do want them to know how important it is that they stay safe. Start with a simple explanation, “there are really bad people who want to hurt children, therefore it’s very, very important that you never…”
  • Talk to strangers
  • Open the door when someone is knocking or ringing the bell
  • Leave mom’s side at the store or when we are somewhere outdoors.
  • Go outside without me or a trusted adult.
  • Go with a stranger who can’t find his dog, wants to give you candy, wants to show you something, wants to give you money, etc.
  • Approach a strange car, even if they know mom’s name or your name.

Keep the information simple, yet straightforward. If your children ask you questions be honest, of course age appropriate honesty. Go over simple tactics with your child should they be approached or feel unsafe in a certain situation, such as screaming or trying to get away from a stranger or other types of danger.
Main points to address:
  • Keep it simple, but straightforward.
  • Go over the main points (as emphasized above.)
  • Be honest with your children if they ask you questions.
  • Go over screaming and tactics to fight and get away from a stranger.

Grades K-3rd
Older children probably know a little more about stranger danger through schools or other activities in the community or on the news. Yet, it is suggested to be sure your child in this age group be made well aware of the top things to never do…
  • Talk to strangers.
  • Open the door when someone is knocking or ringing the bell.
  • Leave mom’s side at the store or when we are somewhere outdoors.
  • Go outside without an adult.
  • Go with a stranger who can’t find his dog, wants to give you candy, wants to show you something, wants to give you money, etc.
  • Approach a strange car, even if they know mom’s name or your name.

Many parents have successfully used a family code word, this word is one only the family knows. In case of an emergency the adult can give that to a trusted friend or family member the child doesn’t know to indicate a safe person. It is imperative children understand to never give that word out to anyone.
In this age group you can also go over those who are safe people. If children get lost or there is a problem with a strange adult, children should feel safe approaching individuals who are:
  • Safety officers such as police, fire, security guards, and EMT.
  • Store personal
  • Teachers
  • Mail carriers
  • Mothers with children
  • Office staff, those working behind the desk of an office building.

This will give your children the option of running to others who are not intending to harm them, if an incident occurs when the child is alone, gets lost or is separated from their parent.
Main points to address:
  • Talk to children about “Safe people". 
  • Use a code word.
  • Go over screaming and tactics to fight and get away from a stranger.
  • Make sure they know to always stay with a group or other children if they have to walk home from school or want to play outside.

Grades 4th-6th
Children in this age group will sometimes consider dangers, to really not be so dangerous. In this age group children should truly understand the dangers of strangers. Talk about cases that you know about from family, friends or through the media. You don’t have to tell them every detail of the case, but be honest with your child as well. Tell them if the child got away or lost their lives, we know we don’t want our children to live in fear, but to let them know how very important this message is let them know there is real danger with some strangers.
Children who are getting older should also keep important numbers of family or friends handy, a whistle or cell phone, especially if they have to walk home from school or have to be home alone after school. It is also important for children to have some type of buddy system. They should always walk with a friend or group of friends, isolated children are more of a target than those who are in groups or with other friends.
You should also go over tactics for screaming and fighting to get away from a stranger who tries to grab them. Let them know they are to be sure they do not, in any way, allow that person to get them into a car, that will only allow them to take them somewhere where it will be very hard to find them. Tell them to kick, bite, scream, anything and everything to get away from that person.
Main points to address:
  • Emphasize with your children the danger of strangers.
  • Have them keep important numbers, a whistle or a cell phone on them at all times.
  • Go over “Safe people"
  • Go over screaming and tactics and ways to fight and get away from a stranger.
  • Make sure they know to always stay with a group or other children if they have to walk home from school or want to play outside.